The Right Man (Anna & Bates) Downton Abbey
by diaryofafandomjunkie
Summary: Pure, good, innocent. Words anyone would have used to describe Anna Bates, head house-maid and wife of Mr. John Bates. Suddenly Anna finds herself in a dark and twisty place as she struggles with the reality of the aftermath of her attack. Can she get back to who she once was and reconcile her damaged, possibly destroyed, love with Bates? Can she save herself?
1. Chapter 1

**Anna's POV***

Have you ever hated yourself?_ Truly, madly, deeply_ hated yourself so much you simply wished yourself dead? So much so that you hated being in your body because that was torture? That is the self-hatred I feel. Mrs. Hughes is saying something to me right now but how can I possibly focus on that? I am shaking, I am undressed, naked and I should not be, and I cling to the robe that is covering me like it is my lifeline. Which it very well may be, I cannot think about anything except what has just happened and that is not a pleasant thought. My screams were futile; no one could hear me over the opera music. I really hate opera. My head does not hurt so much now; I have so many other hurt places that it does not seem so important. I hate myself. I hate myself so much.

_"Shut the door! Shut the door! Shut the door!"_ I chant crazily lunging out at her with my tear streamed face.

"**ANNA!**" Mrs. Hughes exclaims snapping me out of my daze. "What's happened?"

What does it_ look_ like? I am stripped down to my skin, wrapped in one of our ladies robe from the laundry and crying. My head is beaten and bleeding, I cannot stop shaking and honestly if there were a gun nearby I would have shot myself by now. I want to say all of that but I don't. "Green," I whisper. His name is everything evil in the world, bastardized and damned and then some more. I hate it, it tastes like rape and it hurts me a million times over to say that one syllable. Green.

"I have to get Mr. Bates oh and the doctor! Lady Grantham should hear of this at once and the police- oh my-"

"**NO**!" I scream at her. I am clutching at her wrist as if I were strong enough to keep her from doing whatever she pleased. If I were stronger maybe I would not be here now, but I am a weak useless, foolish girl who is ruined and can never be un-ruined and whose life is nothing. I am nothing now. "_Him least of all_!" I beg her. If only my words meant something maybe then Green would have listened to me. Maybe he would have let me pass instead of punch my face and drag me to the hall. But my words are air, they have no meaning, no value, you can not even see them. I am nothing now or maybe I have always been nothing I just needed this to remind me. You are nothing Anna. Nothing.

"But he should know! At least the police that evil man should not walk away clean! Anna we must tell someone!" Mrs. Hughes was so perplexed by the current situation. Eyes wide and full of disbelief. How could this have happened? She was thinking. How could no one stop this? Save her.

"No, no, no, no," I shook my head adamantly. "No one can know of this! I came here because I thought you could help me please! Bates would kill him if he found out and then he would be hanged!** HANGED** Mrs. Hughes! Please help me!" I pleaded crying and shaking, crying and shaking. I am nothing. Nothing now.

"We don't know that-"

"He's a _convicted felon_! The judge won't let him get away twice! We mustn't tell him! Promise me! **PROMISE ME!**" I screamed. "No one must know but us!" Mrs. Hughes nodded. "Can you get me some clothes? Please I can't go out like this and I can't tell him- I can't see him but I need him. Kill me, please death wash over me," I fell to the floor and shuddered with sobs. "Please."

"No! I don't want hear talk like that!" Hughes scolded lightly. "I'll go fetch you some clothes and water and then you best come up with something to tell Bates. Something believable." She nodded out and closed the door securely behind her.

I crawled to my little space behind the bookshelf and sobbed. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I am nothing. I wish I was dead. I am nothing. I wish I was dead. I am nothing. I wish I was dead. I am nothing. I wish I was dead. You can never love Bates again..."Ohhh," I screamed in anguish and threw myself against the bookshelf praying it would fall on me. Crush me and destroy my ruined self. Kill me please I am asking to die. PLEASE! Come on! Nothing. I am nothing, I wish I was dead, but I must live because the thing about life is we don't get to take the easy way out. At least I did not get to take the easy way out. I have been happy, too happy, and happier than I ever deserved and I guess this is my payment. Nothingness.

Mrs. Hughes returned with clothes and a glass of water. "There was blood on the sink, mind you, but I cleaned it up. Here hurry now they are all coming down from the performance and if you wish to avoid Mr. Bates." I nodded and finished dressing through the tears. Every moment brought new pain. I walked towards the door but Mrs. Hughes stopped me. "You can't go out like that! Your hair, sit." She redid my hair and then kissed my forehead. "Oh bless you child. Damned is that horrible, evil, wicked man."

I nodded and walked out of the room. Bates. I wanted to run over and confess everything. Have him wrap his arms around me and hold me, make me feel safe and protected. But what good would that do? I would be safe for a moment and then I would be watching him hang by his neck from a tree. That sent a shudder through me. "Anna," Bates smiled and walked faster towards me. Run! I did not listen. I stood there like a fool wanting to burst in to tears.

"What happened to your face?" He asked and his reached out towards me. NO! I heard my screams of protest in my mind as Green grabbed me. Why would he not listen? Why would he not stop? I found myself stepped away instinctually and now avoiding Bates' eyes. I would not be able to hold up if I looked in to his eyes.

"Nothing," stupid, stupid girl of course it was not nothing. What do you take him for a fool? "I mean," come up with something. Words any words will do but they must be believable. "I suddenly felt excruciatingly dizzy and feinted; I must have hit the sink on the way down or something." Or was brutally raped by the evil valet Mr. Green who I so wish you were wringing your hands around his neck but we can't have that can we? I stepped away and fetched my hat and coat.

"I think I'll walk home along, tonight," I ducked out before he could question me and good thing, because the tears started and I had no control over them. It was all too much.

"_Anna?!_" Bates called from the door. He was confused and worried I knew that much. Go Anna, tell him, perhaps Mrs. Hughes is right. I stopped and wanted to tell him but then I remembered I had to save him. I had to protect him.


	2. Chapter 2

Anna's POV*

*a few weeks after the raping*

The bells would begin ringing shortly. I would have time to just barely make it to breakfast which hopefully would mean that Bates would have given up on seeing me this morning. I quickly dressed in my uniform and stood in front of the mirror. There it was out in the open. My reminder of that dreadful evil night, well perhaps it is not fair to blame the night. Maybe I should blame the opera singer who howled so loudly no one could hear my screams. Maybe then someone would have come down, maybe then someone could have stopped it; saved me. Or maybe then I could have watched Bates murder that sorry sucker Green and be dragged off to jail and hung. So maybe I had to experience that to save Bates. John. Oh, god John. My heart sank and I fell to the floor in front of the mirror, a heap of dark jade skirts and clutching at my face. The tears came in a downpour and they did not let up until I heard the gong ending breakfast and starting the day. Now I _had_ to get myself pulled together and face the day.

I applied my cover up quickly and fixed my hair. You could not see the purple marking under my cheek now, it was properly covered up but nothing could be done about the swelling. I took a deep breath and opened the door from the servants' rooms and ran to the stair case. _He won't be there,_ I promised myself. I was wrong. There he stood faithful as ever at the bottom of the staircase down from the bedrooms, his cane in one hand, supporting the weight of his crippled leg. My breath caught in my throat and I clutched to the hand railing at the top of the stairs. _Just walk past. Just walk past, Anna._ I told myself bluntly but to be even more frank I did not _want_ to walk past. But how could I not? I was _ruined._ Telling him would not change that it would only cause his ruin and I could not take that. I could not lose Bates.

"Anna," Bates smiled and his eyes crinkled up in that adorable way they always did when he smiled. John smiled with his whole face not just his lips. His cheeks lifted upwards, eyes crinkled at the edges with a happy gleam in the pupils, nose slightly flared. _NO!_ I shouted at myself and said my good byes as I succumbed to the wall I had to have. I could almost see it rising up before me, engulfing me, a blind for my eyes. Almost transparent, but I could see the edges slightly; how they rippled when I moved and how they pulled taught to keep me trapped when Bates came around. I held my composure, face stone hard and cold and walked down the stairs.

"I told you, you do not have to wait here for me," I stated not looking at his face. "I am perfectly capable of getting myself to breakfast on my own."

"You missed breakfast," Bates whispered testing to see if maybe whispering would ease me, calm me down. "I was worried."

"I had a life before you came to Downton. I was not waiting trapped in a tower for you to come stumbling in and save me, I was an independent, happy, young girl," I informed him and I hated myself. I hated myself so much. _Why did you do that? That was not protecting him or yourself that was just MEAN! _I felt like crying and to be honest I _was_ crying but behind the wall. It was like someone else was controlling me, I was on auto-pilot. I was choosing to do this; I was hurting him on purpose. This was no accident. But I could not change. If I slipped up at all everything would be ruined, destroyed and for what? I would lose him and I would lose control of myself? I could not live behind this wall forever and I knew that but I needed to for just a little while longer, until I could figure something better and more _permanent_ out.

Bates did not respond at first. The silence that filled my ears had never been so loud. I could not hear my own personal screams of torture over the silence. It was deafening. I did not have to look to hear his hand clasp his face and wipe away a single tear. I was _breaking_ him. _Bates! BATES! JOHN, please don't give up on me! PLEASE! I love you and I am so sorry that it is this way but it has to be! I love you so much more than I did before, than I knew was capable before but I cannot come home and I cannot stay. _I screamed from behind the wall. It was safe to speak my mind there because he could not read me like an open book with the wall up. Bates could not read the truth from my eyes as I lied to him. I was safe with the wall. _We _were safe with the wall.

"Anna, what is going on? My life was _perfect_ and I was happier than I deserved to be. Please, Anna, just tell me what is wrong? What did I do?" Bates begged me his hand reaching out and a small scream escaped my lips as I jumped away.

I met his eyes for just a second and I thought for sure I would spill everything. The pressure, the force of everything slamming against the wall was almost too much to bear because, you see, I am not just on one side of the wall. I am the prisoner but I am also the kidnapper. I am holding the wall the other half of me is trying to knock down and destroy. No one could possibly understand how impossibly difficult this was.

Mrs. Hughes jumped now from where she was in the hallway coming from her office room. "Anna! Anna!" She exclaimed trying to serve as a distraction. I looked away and my eyes screamed for her to save me. They told of my weakness, my inability to survive a moment longer in this terrible state of life. This was not living, this was dying slowly. I glanced back at Bates and immediately realized that it was a mistake.

I started running as soon as I saw his face but the image was burned forever in to my mind. _Nothing,_ I managed through the tears on the other side of the wall. _You did nothing, John. This is me. This is all me. Please strop hating yourself, blaming yourself. We both should not have to hate ourselves so much. One of us deserves to be happy and it cannot be me, so please I beg you. Be happy. _

I reached the drawing room and ducked behind the room separator gasping for air. I felt my chest heave up and down, but the pressure, the pain nothing could make it stop. I would not cry, I could not cry. I was only safe to cry alone or behind the wall and the drawing room was not a place to be found crying. I was drowning in my own tears behind the wall.

John's face haunted me now. The hurt, the betrayal, and the knife I had stabbed in to his heart and yanked out, watching as he bled out at my feet. That was the look on his face. That was the look that crushed the wall for a short period. A small lapse of time my wall collapsed. His eyes were wide with disbelief and watery from tears he must have been fighting to hold back. His lips parted slightly and turned down at the crease. The bottom lip sticking out more and quavering for a short second. His eyebrows lifted and furrowed together and when he blinked his eyes before I turned to run, light reflected of the tiny water droplet sinking down his cheek. I did that. _I _did that to him.

How could I do that to him? How did I do that? I can't believe I did that to him. I hate myself for doing that to him. What is the point now? There is no hope for saving our marriage because he could never forgive me for what I just did. The worst part is I know he will because that is just who he is and he refuses to accept that I am capable of doing wrong. He always _forgives_ me which only makes me feel worse because I do not deserve his forgiveness. I am ruined.

I sit balled up, tears streaming down my face, shaking behind the room separator and my sobs must have been so terribly obnoxious and loud because I did not hear the door open or Lord Grantham and Lady Edith come in. They found me though, there was no mistaking where the sobs were coming for and of course they investigated. A natural trait to Lady Edith, so curious as to the happenings of the world. I was suffering a lapse of judgment, as I tried furiously to rebuild the wall. It was in pieces at my feet and each time I started to rebuild the other half of me showed me Bates's face and that made the wall shatter again.

"Anna?" Lady Edith gasped in surprise and worry. Who was she expecting to find behind the curtain? Apparently not me, not Anna. We were the same, yet we were not the same. I did not feel like Anna anymore. I was not poor, sweet, angelic Anna. Her life is perfect and she is always so happy what could she possibly have to cry about? I had a million and one things to hate myself for and cry rivers to replenish the earth over. They did not know that.

"My lady," I stuttered, jumping to my feet and brushing the wrinkles out of my skirt. "My lord, I am so sorry-"my words were caught in the tears struggling to come out and I looked like I was a dying animal, so feral and vulgar.

"No, no Anna," Lord Grantham stepped forwards his hands reaching out to grasp my shoulders.

"No!" I squealed and ran for the servants' door. "I am so sorry, my lord. My lady." I shoved the door open and disappeared from their view inside. _This is why you have the wall, to prevent embarrassments like this. You just ruined your reputation with them! How could they ever take you seriously again? Now they will be afraid to call on you, you looked like a lunatic! How could you ANNA?! _My anger was stronger than my self-hatred in that moment and I built the wall, kicking the part of me trying to show me John's face. I shoved the image into a corner and forgot about it. The wall was rebuilt. The wall was stronger now. The wall was empowered with anger _and_ self-hatred.

"Anna!" Lady Edith pounded on the servants' door. "Anna what's wrong? Oh, Anna please tell us! We can help you? Is it Bates? Has he done something to you Anna?"

"NO!" I shouted louder than ever. I was not about to watch them accuse Bates of hurting me or causing this pain when it was not him. "My lady please let me be. I shan't bother you with my troubles. I am a worthless servant girl, my lady."

"No, Anna-" her hand was opening the door but I was gone.

I fled to the safety of the servants' corridor and hid away in my room upstairs. I locked the door and composed myself. Then I went out to Lady Mary's room and helped her get dressed for the day. She was not suspicious of anything. Well, she was suspicious but today she did not prod me and push me to tell her about what.

"Thank you, Anna," Mary smiled at me. "Anna before you go-"

"Yes, my lady?" I asked sounding as nonchalant as possible.

"Bates has been behaving himself-"

"Why is everyone blaming him?" I exhaled it like a moan. "Oh, my lady." I gasped my hands flinging to cover my mouth. "My lady, I am so sorry. It won't happen again my lady I swear on my mother's life on my own-"

"I don't care, Anna," Mary waved her hand as if she could wave the previous conversation away, out of sight, out of mind. "So it is not Bates, that's so good because I do not think I could bear to see you two fall out. I just wonder what it is then, oh my god!" Mary's head popped up and her eyes stared in to nothingness. "Anna, are you pregnant?" I dropped the dirty nightgown that had been in my hands and watched it fall to the floor in a dirty heap of cloth. "It makes so much sense, the sudden change of attitude and perhaps you are not being quiet and you really are just tired being pregnant does that to a person. But that does not explain why you would have moved out of the cottage? That makes no sense at all? Unless maybe it is not Bates's baby—scandalous Anna but you have helped me drag a dead body across Downton I shan't tell a soul."

"My lady I don't believe this is very proper of you to be prying in to my life so," I stuttered in shock and taking in to account everything she said. _Oh god, oh bloody God! What if I am pregnant? Pregnant with Green's child! Oh my bloody, bloody, oh no word is good enough to describe this damned point of event in my life! _

"Of course not, Anna you must forgive me I was only trying to figure out why you are not acting very, well Anna-like," Lady Mary apologized. "And I am terribly sorry if I offended you by my comment I should have never said that you would never be unfaithful God why did I say that? I am so sorry Anna because I fear I have hurt you now and added to whatever you are going through and I do not want to but Anna-"

"Yes?" I asked afraid of what would come out of Lady Mary's mouth next.

"If you are pregnant I think that is most wonderful," She smiled wider than ever. "George brings me so much happiness. I know you and Bates would be lovely parents."

_If you only knew the half of it, my lady._ "Thank you," I nodded and recollected the dirty nightgown. "But my lady."

"Mhmm," Lady Mary hummed as she readjusted one of her hair pins.

"You might pray that I'm not pregnant or I'm afraid you might be missing a house maid," I left after that.

"Oh, Anna, only for a few months and then you can leave your child with nanny-" Lady Mary looked out the door. "Oh she's gone and left me to talk to myself."


	3. Chapter 3

Bates's POV*

I busied myself for the majority of the day. Volunteering to do any extra needed chores or work because I honestly had nothing better to do, nothing to work for. Anna had stopped loving me and I had a feeling she had probably found the better man I had told her to find before all of this started, before we were anything. I can let her go, I know I can do that I just do not want to do that. I cannot bear to think about living another moment without being able to love Anna. Well I suppose I can love Anna, but she will never love me back, not the way she used to.

"Bates," Lord Grantham called as I handed off the clothes to the laundry maids.

"My lord," I said turning to face him. I placed both hands on the handle of my crane and forced a small smile on my face. "How can I help you my lord?"

"Ah yes, you see it's about Anna," Lord Grantham explained and suddenly he had my full attention.

"She hasn't said anything to you has she? Something is bothering her and I must have done something because she is incapable of fault but she won't tell me what and it is torture. Every moment I could be doing something that is upsetting her and I don't know because she won't tell me so I am afraid to do anything! And-"

"Bates, she was sobbing and shaking in the drawing room when Lady Edith and I walked in. She was crying so loud and uncontrollably she did not hear us come in that I am sure of because when we appeared before her she was so appalled and ashamed..." Lord Grantham shook his head.

"My lord what was she doing in the drawing room?" I asked curious as to if something was hidden in there that would solve the mystery that is Anna.

"Nevermind that, I think she just needed to fetch something but suddenly- it doesn't matter. But what does is Lady Edith tried to talk to her and she asked, just precautionary I assure you, if you had done something and Anna, rather frankly screamed, no and Lady Mary I found out talked to her and asked the same and she screamed back, 'why does everyone keep blaming him'. So I don't think it is you which makes this all the more puzzling." Lord Grantham took a breath.

"But if it's not me then what could possibly be troubling her?" I thought out loud.

"You see my case. Also Anna told Lady Edith, 'I shan't bother you with my troubles please let me be I am a worthless servant girl'. Which was most perplexing because Anna, I just don't understand why she suddenly would think so poorly of herself." Lord Grantham finished. "Now I am afraid I have more added to your worry than helped."

"She talked to Lady Mary, too, my lord? Did Lady Mary say what she talked about?" I questioned further.

Lord Grantham shook his head. "No, in fact she was very elusive about what the details of their conversation were. I have no doubt Lady Mary pried in to Anna's personal life. Lady Mary is very blunt."

"Thank you my lord," I nodded my head and hurried up the stairs to find Lady Mary. I needed to know what she was talking about with Anna. Anna has confided in Lady Mary before and she would no doubt not stop now.

I found Lady Mary easier than I expected but I also found Anna. She was furiously scrubbing at a pair of black shoes. I had seen her scrubbing the same ones a million times over. Would she ever give herself a break? I knew my chances of getting an answer to this madness were better if I just confronted Lady Mary but Anna was right there. I loved Anna even if she did not love me. So I walked in there and her reaction made me want to fall over dead.

She glanced up and her eyes glared at me with this look of hatred. I stepped away from her and then I felt an overwhelming need to be sick. "It is weird," I said finally walking to stand next to my wife. "Standing next to you in silence."

Anna stopped scrubbing the shoes and threw the towel down.

"Because I love you and I want to figure out why you don't love me."

Anna stormed out of the room but I would not let her get away this time. "Anna!" I called and chased after her. I reached out and my hand grabbed her shoulder. My hand pulled her towards me and a scream echoed out of her mouth, deafening, a blood curtling, life threatened type scream. I released her and stared at her in confused horror. Anna had jumped away and clung to the wall shaking her head and tears streaming down her face. Parts of the bruise on her face showed through the make up being washed away by her tears.

"LET ME BY!" Anna screamed, her nails digging in to the wall. "HE'LL FIND YOU! PLEASE!" She screamed and dragged her hands down the wall.

"Anna!" I shouted in fear.

"Let me by," She begged but I was not in her path.

Lady Mary was running over now. "Anna?" She called.

Anna's eyes weren't here. They were staring at something we all couldn't see. Pieces of the wall were clawed off from her nails she had dragged down and now shook, pressed against the wall.

"JOHN!" She screamed holding the wall. "BATES HELP ME! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!" She shook her head tears everywhere and clung to the wall. "No please, let me by!"

"What in God's name?" Lord Grantham asked, everyone was gathered round now.

Mrs. Hughes rushed over and flung herself on Anna. She tore her hands from the wall and held her arms down. "Shhhh!" Mrs. Hughes hushed in her ear. "I'm here. I'm here. Anna, I'm here."

Anna went still and turned herself over in Mrs. Hughes arms. "I'm sorry you have to- wait it is not- oh god!" Anna gasped shaking her head and breaking away from Mrs. Hughes grasp. "My lord, my lady, my lady- oh my, what have I done?" She stared at the wall. Tears streamed faster down her face.

"Anna," I stepped forward towards.

"Don't," Anna shook her head and jumped behind Mrs. Hughes.

"Anna, I think you've got no choice," Mrs. Hughes said to Anna. "I think everyone is going to need an explanation."

"They can have one," Anna said. "I'm just-"

"You're not just tired!" I shouted aggravated. "Stop lying."

"How would you know?" Anna challenged. "Maybe _you're _the one making me so tired! We live together, work together; we're in each other's POCKETS! It's too much!" Anna screamed defiantly and ran off.

I stood there looking like a fool. "She's gone mad," Thomas laughed and I turned on him.

"Bates," Lord Grantham grabbed my arm stopping me. "Don't."

Thomas scurried off with that and the other servants were sent back to work.

"Mrs. Hughes," Lady Grantham said. "You know."

"I do, my lady but I can't say."

"Why the bloody hell not?" I demanded. "She lapses in to these episodes often?" I asked her. "She could hurt herself you saw what she did to the wall!" I was flabberghasted.

"Well when I asked her earlier she shook and a few tears slipped out and she fled the room saying that I should pray she's not because I would have to find a new house maid. Which is-"

"Oh GOD!" Mrs. Hughes screamed and ran off in the direction Anna had fled.

"What did I say?" Lady Mary asked stunned.

"I don't know anymore, my lady," I shook my head rubbing my hand across my face, wiping away the tears. "I don't know anymore."She feinted and hit her head on the sink. She had a cut across the top of her forehead and her eye was all bruised, still is, and swollen." I finished. "She came out of Mrs. Hughes's office and I reached out to her and she cowered away. She walked home alone that night and moved out the next day." I whispered. "That was when it started."

I stood in disbelief. "She just had a headache."


	4. Chapter 4

Anna's POV*

_I love you John, please see through me please see that I love you. _The same thought screamed through my head as I fled the scene. I turned back right before I would have gone up the stairs. I could see his face from where I was but either they could not see me from the angle or they had dismissed me for a mad woman. I stared at my hands, pieces of chalky paint crusted under my finger nails. The same nightmare every time except usually they occurred, well, _at night. _Not out in the open, I would never live this down, forever poor Anna who's gone mad. _Oh, Bates_. I hurt for him but there was nothing I could do. _You are doing the right thing, Anna. _But am I? Because I seem to be doing more harm than good from where I am standing behind the wall.

I was in Lady Mary's room now, replacing her old sheets with new sheets and making the bed. Mrs. Hughes. I felt her presence before I heard her or saw her for that matter. "I know what you are going to say," I managed absent mindedly fluffing the pillows.

"Oh, do you know," Mrs. Hughes remarked thoughtfully. "What am I going to say, I am curious?"

I scoffed at her. "That I should tell Bates, about what happened." I turned to face her now. "I want you to know that I wish I could but do you remember when we were in trial. Do you remember when the jury declared my husband _guilty of willful murder and to be hung by the neck until you are dead_ because I sure as bloody hell do. Do you have any idea what that felt like?" Silence. "It sucked! The fact that you and Ms. O'Brien caused it, which was not fair but what I was thinking at the time, made it hurt. Especially you Mrs. Hughes, you betrayed me out there on trial and I thought I would never be able to forgive you because my husband was going to be executed." I shook my head in anguish at the terrible memories I was reliving.

"Anna, I am so sorry. I only told the truth and they twist our words-"

"It doesn't matter now!" I snapped sharply. "Mrs. Hughes you know that pain you feel when I call you out on telling the awful damn truth at trial? Now add that pain a million times over to the pain I felt when they called out my husband's sentence. I could never live with myself if I was the reason he was hanging limp, dead, from a tree with a noose tied round his neck and that is surely what will happen if he ever finds out about what Green did to me."

"I see your point, Anna, I do and I don't think we should tell him who did it. Perhaps we can make up a lie about someone, someone breaking in and waiting down here in the servants' corridors for anyone to come by. You just happened to be the unlucky patron that came down first," Mrs. Hughes suggested rubbing my arm soothingly.

"Are you honestly suggesting that I tell Bates the truth by improvising the story with a lie, Mrs. Hughes?" I asked half-kidding.

"All I am trying to do is keep you out of the nut house, because you are not getting better and I think I know why," Mrs. Hughes smirked in her motherly I-know-best way that did not seem prideful and cocky.

"Oh? Why?" I asked purely interested.

"You need Mr. Bates," Mrs. Hughes whispered. "You are fighting it and it only makes it worse. You need the safety you feel when he is near, the way he wraps his arms around you and it's like an army of men is suddenly guarding you. Mr. Bates is your safe house, and in times like this there is no surviving if we cannot make ourselves feel safe again."

"Spoken like a romantic, Mrs. Hughes," I said starting to feel like my old self. When it was just her and I we could almost pretend, even as we talked about the situation, that it did not really happen. This does not make sense and I know that, but it is a feeling. Perhaps Mrs. Hughes was becoming my new safe place. Or maybe she had been my original safe house and then John came along. I did not know or care but I managed to smile at her.

"I have been in love, dearest Anna, how did I become Mrs. without love?" Mrs. Hughes raised an eyebrow and smiled, hugging me ever so lightly.

"Thank you Mrs. Hughes for everything," I pulled away. "I don't know how I could have made it this far through this without you."

"You are _strong_ Anna," Mrs. Hughes placed both hands on my face. "You are not a victim, you are a _survivior_ and you would have made it through because that evil wicked man does not get to defeat you he does not get to ruin your happiness. You would have realized that on your own time without me, I like to think I am just assisting in hurrying along the great big plan we all are set up with. You are not a victim you are my precious and most dear house maid, my strongest house maid. You are _Anna._"


	5. Chapter 5

Bates's POV*

Another lonely night in our bed, alone; in our house, alone. I cannot help but succumb to the loneliness that takes over and I shed a tear. I miss Anna. I _miss_ Anna. Anna. I close my eyes and fall to the mercy of my darkest nightmares in sleep. Too bad life cut my nightmares to the chase. Losing Anna is my nightmare and I am living it. I close my eyes and just try to breathe easy for a while. Sleep crawls up from every corner of my mind and I give myself to the darkness.

In the morning I walk through the empty space of the once pleasant cottage and take a moment to remember, everything. I laugh at the painted walls where I had spilled paint on myself and the way Anna had smiled, the way she had laughed. Oh, God the way she had laughed how happy she was. The loveseat where we had both fallen in to after a nice saucy kiss; Anna was laughing again. Her eyes squinted and her nose crinkled up as she grasped at her heart, with laughter.

I walked to Downton and the memories lasted me until I got there. I was rounding the corner when I heard two familiar voices. Anna and Mrs. Hughes of course. I waited wanting to hear what they were saying because at this point I was as low as eaves dropping like O'Brien to get the information on Anna.

"I really wish you would decide that honesty is the best policy," Mrs. Hughes was telling Anna.

"I wish you would quit pestering me, we both know what would happen if I was honest with him and I for one, for the one millionth time, will not in any way, shape, or form be responsible for my husband's hanging!" Anna reprimanded in a way that sounded like her old self. Her normal self. It sounded like Anna.

"But what if you are pregnant? How do you plan on living with never knowing for sure and the-"

"I'll kill myself," cold hard Anna was back. Her voice like a cutting edge stone. "Simple and easy solution."

"I won't listen to that! Why can't you-" 

"You don't understand Mrs. Hughes!" Anna screamed. "Have you ever even been in love? I can't put down my wall for even a second or it might slip. I have had to move out and run from the room as soon as he walks in because I have to tell him. I feel it in my core this need to confess but I don't deserve him. I am _ruined _and I can never be _unruined!_ Mrs. Hughes that day at the court house changed me when I found out John was going to hang-" Anna's voice caught in her throat. "I was screaming but what I wanted to say was 'It was me! I DID IT! Kill me!' Love makes you do crazy things, things where you sometimes are _literally_ killing yourself to save the one you love. I plan on doing that until I'm dead Mrs. Hughes, problem?"

"Yes there is quite a lot of problems with that plan-"but Anna was gone. Mrs. Hughes sighed lazily and walked on in the same direction. "Oh, dearest God why do you do this to the pure ones? To the innocents?"

_Do what? _I wanted to know. _Mrs. Hughes knows, she knows what this is all about. _

Anna was sitting alone at the servants' table eating some cold soup from yesterday or the day before even that. She did not look up when I came in but I could see her body tense up. She locked out her jaw and her spine went rigid. _Relax, Anna_, I wanted to tell her but if I did God only knows how quickly she would flee out of here. I needed her to stay. I needed to talk to her.

"Anna, give me a kiss or tell me what's wrong." I said slowly. She was like a little bird speak or move to fast and she would be gone.

"Stop," Anna said shaking her head and laying her spoon down. She glanced up at me and wiped at her bruised and swollen eye. "Stop bullying me."

"Anna," I began but she was already dumping her soup in the sink.

"I have to go pack for London," She said on her way out and I just shook my head.

"Goodbye," I called after her because when she returned I was pretty sure I would not be here.


	6. Chapter 6

Mrs. Hughes's POV

"Do you have everything you will need packed?" I asked Anna stroking her hand. I had learned in a book somewhere that so many sensors were in our hands and stroking hands helped to calm a person down.

Anna nodded her head. "Yes, I think so and I have arranged to meet with the doctor so I will find out how much longer I am to be alive."

"Stop talking like that," I reprimanded her.

"Mrs. Hughes face the facts, if I am with child I will not continue on living. I could never-" she shook her head. "I could never be a mother to a child like that-" she shook her head furiously again. "I could never love it. In fact I would hate it because it would be the thing that tears me away from John forever.

"Anna stop! I can't bear to hear this for a moment longer!" I said holding her face in my hands. "Everything will be as God will's it."

"Oh don't start with that Mrs. Hughes! Did God will my attack? Does he hate me so much that I must endure this pain and self-hatred?" Anna wiped at her eyes, clearing away the glassy tears falling from them. "What did I do wrong that I deserved this?"

"Oh, child," I cooed and held her to me. She cried softly for a few moments and then I helped her in to the car with Lady Mary, bidding her farewell. "Good-bye Anna." I waved.

I turned around and headed back in to Downton to check on everyone else. So many maids to make sure stayed on task and Carson may or may not be losing his temper with Thomas or another footman or valet. Speaking of valets- "Mr. Bates," I smiled warmly clasping my hands together in front of me. "What a surprise."

"You know," Mr. Bates stated coldly.

"Excuse me?" I asked suddenly feeling very very hot. Did I just hear Lady Grantham ring? I think I did.

"Can we talk in your office?" Mr. Bates asked and I wanted to run out of there so badly. This was not good, not good at all.

"I have so much housework Mr. Bates-"

"Well I have already turned in my resignation and wanted to talk before I left, but suit yourself. Tell Anna I wish her the best when she returns and she won't have to face me again in the future. I doubt we'll see each other again," Mr. Bates nodded his hat and walked past.

_Not good, this is definitely not good! Anna will surely kill herself now oh if he only knew the truth! But I cannot tell him, can I? Would Anna hate me more for letting him leave when I could have stopped him or telling him her secret when I could have just let him leave? _"Mr. Bates, wait!" I piped up turning around to face him. He smiled slightly like he was hoping I would stop him. "Well, I suppose we should go down to my office." I sighed and started down the servants' stairs.

After Mr. Bates had safely entered my office and taken a seat I shut the door and locked it up tight. "How bad is it then that you must lock your door so tight?" He asked.

I did not answer him. I sat down in the chair behind my desk and placed my head in my hands preparing myself to relive this and retell the torturous events that occurred to Anna. Sweet, sweet innocent Anna.

"She-" I began but felt my voice crack in my throat. "Anna was-" I shook my head. "Oh, God..here I go again crying when I have no right." I said shaking my head and wiping at the tears.

"Anna was what Mrs. Hughes?" Bates pushed.

"She was attacked!" I blurted out finally. "A stranger, someone had broken in and was down here in the servants' hall, waiting." I felt the tears slipping down my face. "Waiting for someone to come down here and oh, god, it was my Anna. My precious innocent Anna," I shook my head in denial. "Anna.." I let her name float out in the open air and sink in for a while.

"Mrs. Hughes," Mr. Bates said evenly. "How was Anna attacked?"

I closed my eyes. I had prayed I would not have to go in to specifics, in to the exact type of attack she had endured but I suppose if you are going to tell the truth you must tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth- except for one minor detail- the attacker.

"Now I can only tell you what she told me," I informed him calmly. "Well, see she was taking her medicine to help her head and then she turned around and a man was there. She begged him to let her pass but of course he would not. He forced a kiss on her and she shoved him away. That was when he- he," My bottom lip quavered. "He punched her face, the reason her eyes is so swollen and bruised. She fell against the sink and cut her forehead, stunned by the blow to the face he entangled his hand in her hair. You should have seen her hair it was all dreadfully torn apart and patches yanked out-" I noticed Mr. Bates's clenching his fists in disgust. "I'm sorry I should not have said that."

"No." He said firmly. "Go on. Tell me the rest of it."

"Anyway she was screaming the whole time and fighting him, trying to reach his hands but you know a person's arms don't bend that way. He kicked her and at one point she said she threw herself on the floor and was literally dragged across the halls to a room where he slammed her in to the metal table and proceeded to," I let the sentence finish itself but Bates was not satisfied.

"Say it."

"I really-"

"Say it!"

"To rape her."

Bates inhaled sharply his walking stick falling to the floor. He rubbed his temples and ran his hands along his face. "So that's it."

I nodded my head. "I'm afraid so, Mr. Bates."

He nodded, his face still hidden behind his hands. "You haven't told me one thing."

"Oh?" I asked arching an eyebrow.

"When did this happen? Was it-" he groaned and brought his hands down and I saw all the pain and self-disappointment spread out on his face. "Was it when she told me she feinted?"

I looked away and nodded. "It happened during the performance, so no one could hear her screams I guess because of it. It is a terrible terrible-"

"You want to tell me how terrible it is, Mrs. Hughes? This is bloody revenge for all my wrong doings taken out on Anna because the only thing that could ever hurt me is if she was in pain! This is bloody damnation this is-" Bates took a breath and rubbed his face again wiping away tears he did not want me to see I suppose. "This is the worst kind of torture because now I have to face Anna and make her relive her pain by telling her I know. I have to see her- oh Anna."

"Mr. Bates-"

"Who did it?"

"I told you it was a st-"

"A stranger really? You think I don't know it was Mr. Green! He was flirting with her and teasing her the whole night! I told her something was off with him! I told _everyone_ but no they all saw me as a jealous old cripple. I was right and I hate myself for being right."

"No Mr. Bates it wasn't him how many times must I tell you! It was a perfect stranger and –"

"Swear-"

"I don't see why that is necessary," I said.

"Do you swear on your mother's life?"

"My mother's dead."

"On her grave then."

"I- I swear," I said with a sigh of hopelessness. "I swear on my mother's grave. And if what I am doing is wrong by telling you than the mercy of God please help me."

"When will Anna be back?" Bates asked me.

"Late," I informed him. "Mr. Bates you should know-"

"What else happened? What other horrid things did she endure?"

"You should know that she is visiting the doctor," I confessed.

"I overheard that conversation about her worrying over oh no, is she- Mrs. Hughes?"

"I don't know and I don't suppose _you _will ever know. I will know and you may happen to hear the conversation if you understand me Mr. Bates and you will know but if Anna ever knew that you knew she was- I suppose she would hate me forever." I sighed realizing my sentences had come out as a jumble of thoughts. "She is in a very dark and twisty place but she loves you very much and the only reason I did tell you and break our promise was because if you left, that would be the last nail in the coffin. It would destroy her."

"So you suppose then she does not blame me for not coming down to check on her? God! I could have- I should have- I would have and if I had I would have been able to save her and kill that bloody bastard who did this to her! Instead no I was enjoying the music while- while," Bates stopped himself.

"This isn't anyone's fault-"

"I'm her husband Mrs. Hughes I should be able to make her feel safe and keep her safe. I'm a failure," He moaned.

"We all failed her, any number of us should have, could have, and would have come down if it meant protecting Anna."

"Thank you for telling me," Bates thanked me and left. I opened the door but I heard his muffled sobs before the door was completely open and decided to leave him be.


	7. Chapter 7

Anna's POV*

_Please God, I know that I have flooded you with prayers and I should maybe not do so but the pastor teaches that you love to hear from me always and oh how I hope he is right. Please God if I have ever done _anything _right then please please please Lord don't let me be pregnant. Please, please, please, please don't let me be pregnant with Green's baby. Oh dear God, dear savior Christ, Messiah Jesus please mercy me. I cannot live in a world where I bear my rapist's child and I would have no choice but kill myself. Put myself out of my torture, my misery, my suffering. I know how selfish that is Lord and you can damn me for it but please spare my husband. John never will understand but I propose that it would be a blessing and a curse for Hughes to tell him once I am dead. I believe as much as it would ease his mind it would kill him and he would blame himself for not putting it together on his own or saving me and oh merciful almighty God please have mercy on me. Amen. _

I made the symbol of the cross across my body and walked in to the doctor's room. I lay down in the chair and the tears started. I could not stop them the whole time and the doctor kept exchanging glances with the nurse. _Oh please merciful all-knowing God, oh please Jesus, oh please if there is anything decent in the world. _His hand prodded and poked and it was most uncomfortable but the silence the silence of the unknown was like someone punching me in the face over and over. No, not that I knew what that felt like and it was not a good enough description. It was like having to avoid my husband when all I wanted was to be held within the safety of his arms.

"Well, Mrs. Bates is it?" the doctor asked glancing at the chart in the nurse's hand.

I nodded my head.

"Well then Mrs. Bates we can tell you the results without blood work. "

_Oh! HIGHEST PRAISE BE TO GOD THANK YOU THANK YOU OH JESUS OH LORD OH MERCIFUL WONDERFUL LIFE OH MY THANK YOU OH GOD OH JESUS OH OH OH! _

"Congratulations." _Shit. _"You are most certainly pregnant."

"But how- how can you tell me that with utmost certainty without a blood test!? No! NO! I don't believe it! NOOOoooooooo!" I sobbed, shaking against the chair as the tears flowed out.

"Also when did your rape occur? Has it been reported?" The doctor asked much to my surprise.

"What?!" I gasped. "No, you couldn't possibly know about that too! Are you a witch doctor?"

"No, ease yourself its bad for the baby!"

"I don't FUCKING care about the baby! IT's the product of EVIL!" I gasped through the sobs. "Is there nothing I can do to, you know, terminate?"

"Mrs. Bates you have tears and that is a result of sexual violence now when did this occur?"

"A few weeks back, I haven't even missed yet this was just precautionary!" I begged him to get to the punch line of this joke.

"Then Mrs. Bates you should be pleased to know that this pregnancy is atleast three months along and not possibly the product of your rape."

"You mean?" I suddenly felt tears hot and wet against my cheeks but different tears. "You mean my husband- you mean I am pregnant with a baby made by my own right and choice?" He nodded. "Oh blessed God you are a mysterious man! You are a trickster!" I laughed and clutched at my abdomen. "But I have been bleeding sir?"

"Lightly I suppose," He asked. I nodded. "Not uncommon during the first trimester."

"I haven't been sick."

"Not everyone gets sick."

"I guess I have been tired and achey but with being a 6-12 worker then I put that to that and this- oh my! The incident it didn't harm my baby did it!?" I asked suddenly very possessive of the child housed in my body.

The doctor shook his head. "The baby is perfectly healthy. Now be on your way Mrs. Bates enjoy your life. Shall I report your-"

"NO!" I gasped. "But thank you. Oh blessed thank you!" I said and ran happily from the room. I caught the bus and met up with Lady Mary at the train station.

"OH my lady!" I gasped in amazement, clutching at her hand.

"Yes, Anna? You seem so-"

"Oh everything has been-" _no it hasn't. You can't have your husband you are ruined you filthy bitch._ I felt the wall go back up and shook my head. "Nothing."

"Hello Anna," Mrs. Hughes nodded her head and smiled at me. "How did things go?"

I shook my head and she sighed.

"That's a relief."

I nodded and took to the shoe shining work that was to be done. I needed to be alone to think things through. I picked up a brush and started to furiously work the shoes. I was exhausted it was almost midnight and I had had a tiring day but I could not rest. Not yet anyway. _Suppose you have the baby but give it away to a high class family where it can be given all the best opportunities in life. _No, no one wants a servant girl's child. _Suppose you have the baby and keep it and just raise it as a divorce couple shall. _Couples with children don't divorce. _Suppose you tell the fucking bloody truth and live a happy life. You can't have things the way they were but you don't have to suffer. You can make new memories. Good memories. _You know why that can't happen. _Kill yourself. _Why? This child shan't deserve it? _After the baby is born you fool! _I thought that quite good. Perhaps I will, I told myself. _To-do list. 1) Have baby. 2) Kill self. 3) Pray John cares for babe like a widowed parent would. _I heard the door open and was not surprised when it was him. John Bates. _John. _I called out to him but of course the wall blocked him from hearing me.

"Are you ever going to finish those? It's nearly midnight," Bates informed me.

"Someone's got to do it," I snapped and he seemed surprised that I had even responded.

"Yes, but it doesn't always have to be _you_," John reached over and placed his hand on mine. I did not move my hand and I did not want to. He took the shoes and cloth and set them aside. "I _know_."

My bottom lip quivered and I forced myself to face him.

"Mrs. Hughes told me while-"

"It wasn't _her _secret to tell!" I screamed with an ache of betrayal.

"I didn't give her a choice Anna," John confessed.

"Well I don't have to worry about being found out now. I am found out, the cat's out of the bag. My shame has no end, and I cannot hide from it."

"Shame? There is no shame in this, Anna."

"But- but I am _spoiled _for you and I can never be _unspoiled!_" I whispered my voice quavering and the tears about to poor out.

"Spoiled? You are _not_ spoiled for me!" John gasped cupping my face in his hands. "You are made _higher _and more _precious _and _holier_ to me because of what you been through. You could _never _be spoiled for me. I love you more because of all you have suffered."

"_Truly?" _I asked looking him straight in the eyes.

"**Truly.**" That was the end of my wall. I blinked my eyes and watched it crumble to a million broken diamond shards and then disappear completely. I opened my eyes and removed his hand from my cheek moving in to his arms and crying against his shoulder. John wrapped his arms around me stroking my hair and rubbing my back.

I felt the last of my tears leave me and pulled away, still in the safety of his arms but able to face him now. "I love you, John," I whispered and asked. "Kiss me."

"Anna if you don't want to we don't have to, I understand- don't do me any favors" 

"You stuttering fool, just kiss me because if you don't I am afraid you never will again," I begged him with a smile.

John gently cupped my face and kissed my lips, a light peck like a grandma would do. I laughed and with his face still so close to mine I grabbed his face and pressed my lips to his. I forced myself to kiss him. Flashes of Green kissing me and destroying me burned through my brain but I shook my head. _No! This is not Green this is Bates! I love him and he loves me and he will _never _hurt me! No! This is Bates! This is Bates! This is Bates! _ Eventually I didn't need to remind myself and I pulled away laughing and kissed him again.

"I can't believe it," I said amazed.

"That was-" Bates began.

"I did it I pushed through the pain and images of the last time I had been- you know," I said and he nodded.

"I will get Green for this-"

"It wasn't Green would I have sat with-" I looked away. "I have news for us."

"News?" I nodded. "Good or bad?"

"Extraordinarily good!" I laughed so happy.

"Well?"

"I'm pregnant!" I laughed.

Bates did not respond at first he pulled away from me and paced the room and I realized why.

"With your baby."

"How?"

"Well when-"

"You trickster that's not what I meant!" John teased.

"I am atleast three months along and my rape occurred three weeks ago not months ago and-"

"Oh ANNA!" HE picked me up and twirled me around. "We're going to be parents."

I nodded my head. "Now I have to go to bed," I confessed."

"Goodnight my darling."

"Bates?"

"Yes."

"Please don't try to make this normal, because things will never be normal again. I know that. I know that I can't ever have what I had before the attack but I want to have new memories. Good memories. So please don't treat me like a victim because I am not one I am a survivor. That's what Mrs. Hughes told me and I did not like her answer then but I think I am better now and I want to be known as the survivor not the victim."

"Anna," Bates replied in a soft voice. "You are strong and you are my survivor. I love you."

I smiled and kissed him goodnight.


	8. Chapter 8

Anna's POV*

The sun was shining and I smiled stretching my arms above my head. There was a knock at the door and I grabbed my shawl to wrap around my shoulders. As I walked past the mirror I suppose I could see a small bump on my abdomen but it was mostly a forced visualization because I wanted to see it, not because it was there. _No more corsets, _I thought to myself. _This is worth it just for that. _I opened the door and saw Mrs. Hughes standing there.

"You're being evicted Anna."

"What?"

"Oh I'm just kidding but why are you still here? Haven't you and Mr. Bates reconciled?"

I rolled my eyes and let her in as I proceeded to dress myself. "Speaking of which I suppose you aren't the best at keeping secrets now are you?"

"You know I had to swear on my mother's grave for him to put the idea of it being Green to rest, and if I'm damned for it then so be it. " She shook her head.

"You're not damned Mrs. Hughes, and thank you. I don't know what he threatened to do but I feel so much better now because he knows."

"Don't you wish you had listened to me in the start?"

"No."

"Why bloody hell not?"

"Everything needs time, perhaps we had told him when it first happened he would not have listened to our lies and would have definitely killed Green."

"I suppose you're right. Very poetic of you though," Mrs. Hughes commented.

I laughed and tried to come up with something witty and poetic to say. _I got nothing. _"I must not be that poetic because I could not seem to think up something witty and poetic just now."

"Well I wasn't saying drop your career for it now come on, breakfast!" Mrs. Hughes wagged her finger at me and I finished making my bed then followed her down the steps.

There waiting at the bottom was John and I smiled and hurried down the steps to meet him. "Good morning."

"Isn't it?" I responded taking his hand and waltzing in to the dining hall.

"Good-morning - Anna?" Carson dropped his tea cup.

"Yes, Mr. Carson?" I asked dropping John's hand and turning to face him.

He shook his head dazed and picked up the seemingly unharmed tea cup. "Nothing, you seem…_different,_ brighter…either way welcome back- I mean good morning," and with that Carson nodded his head and went to ring the gong.

I laughed and turned to face John. "Carson seems a little dazed this morning," more laughter. "I never thought _I'd _make Carson so dazed."

John just smiled and stared at me, taking me in like I might disappear at any moment. "Oh," I said. "This is because-" I shook my head. "Never mind the past who gives a god damn- nothing." I walked to my seat and started shoving my food down.

Bates sat down next to me and I felt his hand on my back, I leaned in to his hand and smiled at me. _Safe._ That was all I felt and all I could think. Mrs. Hughes had been right telling him made everything better, almost anyway. It would never be the way it had been and I had to stop lying to myself that it would be because I knew, somewhere, deep deep down, that it could never be the same. _How did I get so lucky? _I thought to myself.

"How are you feeling, Anna?" John asked me gently.

"I don't know," I whispered and then slapped my forehead with my hand laughing again. "Its all so much. " I laughed some more, tears falling slightly, happy tears. "Ha ha ha." I could not stop laughing.

"What in the world?" Thomas asked taking a seat.

"Good morning Thomas," I smiled and leaned over kissing Bates's cheek as Lady Mary rung.

"That's my bell, haha," I smiled wider. "I love you." And I disappeared from their view.

"Anna, are you _all right?_" Bates asked me.

I shook my head because I was not all right. I was _trying, _trying to force myself immediately back to who I once was, what I once was. It seems so far and distant but the girl I was a handful of weeks ago and now, oh god _now _I was going to be a _mother_! I shook my head again starting to have a full blown attack of panic. I pushed myself in to his arms and he held me, leading me to another room where he closed the door and locked it.

"I'm _trying_," I gasped and let the tears flow they were light and over quickly. I stayed in his arms.

"I know, I know and you deserve all the time you need. No one expects anything from you this fast, I think you scared them today in fact."

I laughed at that. "I did, didn't I?" I smiled.

"John, what are we going to _do? _I am to be a _mother!_" I whined now worried. "A mother!"

"You will be the greatest mother," Bates informed me holding my face so I was forced to look at him. "I do not know anyone more fit and finer to be a mother than you, my Anna." He kissed my lips lightly and I embraced him.

"Thank you," I whispered. "You'll make an extraordinary father." I stepped away and flattened my dress. "Oh my Lady Mary!" I realized I had kept her waiting and hurried to the door. "Thank you, for talking me down. I was about to have a full blown panic attack there and you- I love you."

Bates smiled at that and I heard him saying he loved me too as I hurried to Lady Mary's room. I took the steps two by two and pushed in already apologizing. "My lady I am-"

"What kept you Anna?" Lady Mary barked in a mood. It was her time to be on the rags, so no surprise.

"I-" well they would find out eventually. "I sort of had a freak out, panic attack thing."

"Oh?" Lady Mary said letting her nightgown fall to her feet. "About what?"

I helped her in to her corset and then finished dressing her tying a rag around her lady parts. "Well, it is a rather long story and I did not want to share most of it but I s'pose I could tell you the better, happier part."

"Please do," Lady Mary smiled. "Did Papa tell Bates yet that they are going to London for the week?"

"WHAT?" I gasped I could not lose Bates not yet. "NO! No! He can't have him! No my lady please God no! I _need _him, oh please don't make me relive my shame by telling you oh my lady." I slammed the butt of my hand against my forehead. "Please my lady…"

"Anna, suppose you run and fetch us some tea and then we talk. Chatter about the whole story because I have a feeling tea might make it better."

"Oh all right, what's one more person to know? First Mrs. Hughes, then Bates and now you. Pretty soon all of Downton will know my shame though Bates and Mrs. Hughes say it is not shame but I can't help but see it as such. Oh my lady I will fetch the tea!" I scurried away and stole Mrs. Patmore's freshly brewed tea for who knows but mine now. That sounded like a toddler, oh well.

"I have the tea my lady," I announced entering the room. I set down the tray and sat a tea cup before myself and herself.

"Thank you Anna," Lady Mary nodded her head and I poured ourselves the tea. I took a seat across from her with permission and sipped quietly for a while.

"Green," I found myself saying. "Oh it feels nice to tell the truth to someone well of course Mrs. Hughes but it is so tiring lying to my husband for his own accords of course but…I- anyway. I had a headache my lady and while she was a beautiful singer it only made my head hurt worse. I went down to take a powder and he was there. Green, my lady. He would not let me by. I just wanted to go back upstairs to the safety of Bates. Oh John warned me all day he said that there was something off about it and I blamed him of jealousy. _Jealousy, _my lady. " I shook my head.

"Anna, did he- did he _rape_ you?" Lady Mary asked with a mixture of horror and pain, sadness, great betrayal and sadness because it was Lord Gillingham's valet.

I nodded and she let out an outburst. "Oh go on I didn't mean to interrupt."

"How do you think I got my cut and bruises and swells my lady? He kissed me and I shoved him away much to his displeasure, so he punched me and I fell in to the sink and then he was able to grab my hair by the bun and drag me kicking and screaming down the servants' hall to a room where he threw me against the desk and proceeded to-" I looked away and there was a silent observation of what had happened.

"Anna, why didn't we hear you?"

"The opera singer everyone was upstairs my lady," I said with tears in my eyes. "Mrs. Hughes helped me to stop blaming your and Lady Grantham for bringing the singer and Lord Gillingham here. I am sorry my lady I just-"

"No, no," Lady Mary put up her hand. "It was deserved I will never allow a opera singer in this house I just can't do it now."

"Oh my lady-"

"And Lord Gillingham will hear-"

"NO!" I shrieked, "Bates he would kill Green my lady if he ever found out it was Bates. He thinks a stranger broke in and so he must keep on believing."

"Alright but his valet cannot be allowed back in Downton, suppose I just tell him that."

"That would be good thank you my lady."

"Now what is the good news?"

"I'm pregnant my lady."

"WHAT?"

"Oh I did it again its four months my lady, it's John and I's – I mean mine and Bates's I mean its _my _baby, that I wanted." I smiled.

"OH ANNA!" Lady Mary ran and hugged me gently, holding me to her. "I am so _happy _for you."

"Thank you my lady," I smiled with relief. "I suppose you'll need a new ladysmaid-"

"Oh nonsense! I think for a few weeks I can manage to get myself dresses, give me an excuse to not wear the corset and then Nanny will watch your baby so you can work and be with your baby."

"I can't afford-"

"Nonsense, Nanny will do it because I tell her too and she will be watched to make sure she doesn't say rude things like Nanny West and Sybie. I promise you Anna I will make sure everything is taken care of. I promise," Lady Mary squeezed my hands excitedly.

"Truly?" I gasped in awe at her honest.

"So truly, Anna it's the least I can do for how much you do for me," Lady Mary smiled and laughed excitedly again. "Oh you have brought me so much joy always Anna- oh and I will most definitely see that you see the finest doctor because those lower doctors just can't be trusted except for Dr.-"

"My lady you are too kind for your own good," I giggled with her and felt warm joy tears trickle down my face.

"Oh, Anna, no words can describe the amount of happiness you fill me with," Lady Mary smiled and hugged me close and I cried happily in her arms.

"Oh my lady your dress-"

"To hell with it!" Lady Mary smiled and then her eyes grew huge. "A _ball_ of course! Another servants and masters ball but the focus is all on you Anna and Mr. Bates of course and there will be dancing and bands-"

"No!" I shrieked. "No bands- can't we play music on Matthew's-"

"OH I understand Anna, definitetly," Mary agreed. "Have you decided on a name?"

"I just even found out my lady," I teased. "I suppose Mary is a nice name-"

And we both laughed together.


	9. Chapter 9

Anna's POV*

( Five months later )

I smiled happily as I picked out what color I wanted for the spare room in the little cottage we called home. I loved this place and it would be my home, but my first home would always be Downton. That was where I met John and Lady Mary and Gwen, oh glorious Gwen who was married and from her last letter almost due with her first child. Our children could play together oh Gwen my first friend at Downton. I smiled and decided on a light slate blue and decided if it were a girl I could add purple and yellow accents to feminize it and a son would have dark jade accents- I dropped the color sheet and watched it flutter to the floor. Why should my daughter have to have certain colors in her room based on her gender? Why should I fear myself to be spoiled because my reputation was ruined with my rape? Why should all I am be based upon my _reputation? _I was aware of the suffrage movement and I whole heartedly supported it but I had never be involved until now. Suddenly the idea of bringing a daughter in to this world without proper rights, proper worth was not POSSIBLE! I could not live with that thought. Suppose I did not have a daughter but a son I would raise him to respect any woman and all women.

I knew there was a women's protest going on today, English women were gathering to rally up other men and women passing by and to "induct" anyone willing to join their movement. I placed my paint order and decided to pay the protesters a visit. I would definitely be an inductee today that I was sure of. I hurried down the streets to the rally and smiled with relief. They had cease to start yet, simply mingling with other movement members. I found myself face to face with a smiling stranger. She had dark blonde hair and dark blue eyes. She smiled and held out her hand for me. Perhaps a year or so older than my twenty-six years. "Vera Brittain," She informed me very bluntly. "You are?"

"Anna," I said a little cautiously and then I decided that if Lord Grantham found out and was displeased enough to fire me I suppose I did not want to work for him. "Anna Bates." I could not hide my subtle distaste for the woman simply because her name being Vera, she never had a chance with me.

"Is that so? I believed I have heard about you- or your husband at least," Vera said with a sly look in her eyes.

"How's that?"

"You know for the murder? His ex-wife-"

"Whom committed suicide to frame him? I was just leaving-" I said regretting coming here of course they all new my husband he was lightly in the paper because of being Lord Grantham's valet.

"No, Anna please we all know your husband did no wrong we- well I in particular knew her from one of the meetings here and that woman was a dreadful wicked bastard!" Vera explained with a laugh. "Anna, do you believe that women are created equal as men?"

"Of course!" I said proudly and without thought.

Vera Brittain placed a sticker on my dress that said, "Feminism: all people created equal! GIVE WOMEN THE VOTE" and a picture of the United Kingdom's flag under it. 

"Welcome to the group," Vera smiled and I felt my stomach flipping with glee and fear.

I picked up the paint on my way home from the rally a smile plastered to my face and nothing could take it away. I began painting the nursery and rolling over names in my mind. "Ellen?" I suggested to the walls freshly painted light slate blue. "I didn't like that one much either, too American." Everyone and their sister were named Ellen in America.

"Charles?" I suggested but that did not seem right. "Suppose I have a son and I name him John after his father? There is no harm in that surely?"

"Florence," I smiled at that name. _What so everyone can call her 'Flo'? _"Florence will never do."

Then the perfect name for our daughter came to me and I ran out to fetch John and tell him. "That is beautiful, Anna," he informed me with a kiss and light touch of hand.

"You don't think its too odd because it isn't popular on the streets but how could I not name our child that if it's a daughter? I just must," I informed him.

"I would object if you didn't," John teased me lightly.

"Truly?" I smiled with pleasure my pregnant belly protruding out from me. I blinked my eyes at him. "Come see what I have done with the nursery?" I said pleased.

"Shall I close my eyes?"

"Don't take another step in to our home without them shut mister!" I chided him and lightly smacked the back of his head which ended up being his upper back. "Damn you! So tall and out of my reach!" I heard him chuckle and I laughed too.

"Okay, open them!" I announced and he eyed the room,

"I love the color and I believe this has something to do with the sticker on your bosom?" John sure was perceptive, he missed nothing.

"More or less," I nodded hands behind my back.

"Well I think any child would be lucky to have such a pretty color painted on their bedroom walls," John informed kissing me. He pulled away and his lips tickled my ear as he whispered, "Whatever you are up to please be safe, Anna."

"Always am, aren't I?" I teased and he sighed with a laugh.

"You are always something," John teased chasing after me and I collapsed on to the sofa with a fit of laughter as he fell after me. "I love you."

"As I love you so much more than you could ever know," I promised him. I kissed him again harder and my hand stretched over him as I rolled on top of him. I felt along his side and my hand slipping into his pocket. A ticket was rough beneath my fingers and I pulled away abruptly. "What's this?" I asked but he had it before I could glance at it.

"Just my ticket for London with Lord Grantham next week or so, I was going to tell you over dinner at Downton but you were absent so I was distracted worrying over you," John informed me.

"You don't have to worry," I told him. _Awwwwww he worries for you, isn't he just wonderful? Well of course that is why I married him but still awwww._

"I can't not worry not anymore not after," Bates looked away and I knew what he meant. "Every second you are out of my sight anything could be happening to you and I can do nothing about it unless I were creepy and paranoid following you everywhere which I suppose you won't like."

"You suppose correct."

"So I am always worrying, my darling," John kissed my forehead. "Now I brought you dinner Mrs. patamore would have my head if she knew I had snuck this away from the Lady and Lords dinner portions, she about had Thomas's head for it. I took a good laugh from it."

"I wish I could have seen him try to convince Mrs. Patmore that he was really innocent this time," I agreed with a smile and had a bite of the fresh and perfectly toasted bread. "Oh, John you are so perfect."


	10. Chapter 10

Anna's Pov*

"Today's the day," I whispered as I propped myself up on one elbow and watched John wake up. He smiled and leaned across the tiny mountains of sheets between us to kiss my lips ever so softly. I smiled and John stroked my hair that lay loose around my shoulders.

"Today's the day," He agreed with a smile. "Good morning loves," he added and kissed my lips again and bent over my swollen body and kissed my very pregnant abdomen. "I'll only be gone a day or two, doubtful more than three. Can you try to not do anything wild or crazy whilst I am gone?" John asked as he stretched his arms above his head and began getting dressed.

I rolled myself off the bed and began brushing my hair in long gentle strokes. _Someday I'll stroke and brush your hair too, baby. If you're a girl I will show you so many different ways to play with and style your hair and a son shall have never had more handsome hair. I love you, baby. _I tended to have these little moments of peaceful thinking when I did something that struck my core, something I wanted my baby to enjoy and learn.

"I'll do my best but that's all I can promise," I said crinkling my noise at him. "Sometimes it's fun to go on a little adventure now and then." I shrugged lightly teasing of course.

"Please, darling," John practically begged as he helped me slip in to my uniform, my special maternity one. "There you are, beautiful as ever; I dare say glowing."

"Stop," I played hitting his arm with a flirty smile. I tied and pinned up my hair and chose a nice hat to wear today. I found the right one and slipped it on along with the necklace Lady Mary had given me for Christmas when Bates was in prison, the day that he had been found guilty…_But it does you no good now to stress yourself and your baby out over something finished and over wit. Something that did not happen. _I took a breath and shook off the feeling; I always kept the necklace close because it reminded me how lucky I was.

"Are you ready my love?" John asked extending his arm towards me and I graciously wrapped one of mine around his. He kicked open the door and I swiftly locked it tight as it closed behind me, so was our routine. I stared over at John's perfection, memorizing the planes of his face and trying to take it all in because I could testify to how quickly it could all slip and be done with right before your eyes; make you completetly helpless. I felt the tears sliding down my cheeks and saw John turn his face, meeting me with concerned and worried eyes.

"Anna, what's wrong?" He asked full of worry and concern, placing a hand on my cheek.

I shook my head and as he was bent over to meet my small height better, I stood on tip toes and wrapped both arms around his face, pressing my forehead against his. Eyes scrunched as I took a moment to hold him in my arms for a change as the tears fell down. "I love you, I really truly so madly, deeply love you and just saying those three simple words is not enough for my love for you. I just- I want to tell you I love you for every second of every minute of every hour of everyday for forever and never stop. Don't you understand how much you mean to me? I don't know what this- our baby will change, quite a heavy sum I assume. I just needed to tell you that because I will be damned if it changes and I never told you how much you meant to me, everything John." I whispered clinging tighter to him.

"You stepped in to Downton and I knew," I confessed. "I saw you and I felt this attachment, this pull and I knew. I knew. I know. I know now what love is and I never thought I would be so lucky too. Love is what I have, what we are, and I will love you until Cinderella stops fitting in to the glass slipper, until Snow White doesn't wake up from true love's kiss, until Thomas stops scheming and caniving to be higher and better than where he currently is, until Lord Grantham quits being a prick about the money, until the moon stops phasing back in to the night time sky, until all the stars have been counted and until the clock strikes twelve on the last day of eternity. The sun persists in rising and so my love for you grows every sunrise," I kissed his lips passionatetly and John held me tight to him, so comforting and exactly what I had needed. A last embrace until he came back safe and sound.

"For a lady I would have made myself a fool but I would make myself a fool a million times if it kept bringing you back to me, you make me crazy and wild and I pray for you. I see you when I close my minds and I- I just I beam when you enter the room and I don't know what I would do without you, oh John that was so-" I pulled away and shook my head. "I'm sorry- no I'm not sorry- but- I, uh- no to hell! You're my bloody husband and I can rant like a fool until I run out of breath and lament you with my foolishly romantic and poetic professions of love until the day I die because I _fucking _love you!" I exclaimed exasperated.

John was smiling and laughing, his eyes crinkled up with his joy and I smiled. "I'm sorry it slipped out-"

"I _fucking _love you too, but I'm not half as poetic as you are and I would die for you, I would die a million times over for you, and I just- I love you Anna," John held my hand and kissed me.

I wiped at my eyes and held tight to his hand as we finished our walk to Downton Abbey. "That was really heavy talk for a morning walk," I said with a light laugh as we walked over the hill and towards the servants' entrance.

"I think that was a great way to start the morning," John argued with a wink. "You seemed really on edge and now I believe you have mellowed out."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I smacked his shoulder playfully. "You should be thwacked every second of every minute of every hour of every day of forever too."

"I'll miss you," John said as we entered and his suitcases were being packed away. "Even if only for a day or so."

"I always miss you," I informed him with another light kiss. "Besides we still have breakfast, right?"

"Yes," John nodded his head and pulled out the chair for me and I graciously took a seat and he sat down next to me. I rested my head on his shoulder and smiled at the family gathering around me. Yes, this was the good life. Lady and Lord Grantham may have money and a huge house but they never seemed to be happy for too long. They did not get to fall in love, they only worried about their reputation and how they looked in others lives, but for what? They never appeared so joyfully happy in the end even if they had impressed and bested their guests? I suppose I shall never understand and that was fine by me because I was happy. So extraordinarily, unbelievably happy. I had what every person needs: love, family, and friends. One in the same really because you would find your love to become your best friend and family, your family was a friend who you always seemed to love even when you hated them and your friends you loved and they inexplicably became your family; even Thomas whom I was not fond of I could not imagine being without. A strange thought that was to not have someone to make snarky comments and tell it how it is to those of us who were too high on our horses.

Mrs. Hughes was herding all the loose servants in to the dining hall and Mr. Carson had rung the gong and as he entered everyone jumped to their feet. I clung to the table and tried to lift myself up and John held my elbow helping me up. "How many times do I have to tell you that if you refuse to stay at home and take a break that you should at least not always try and jump up?" He asked me and everyone sat back down.

"Who would dress Lady Mary if I took a break?" I asked as I tucked myself under the table.

"I suppose she would cry herself to sleep at night if Anna were not here," Thomas retorted stuffing a morning biscuit in his face.

"I suppose she very well would, Mr. Barrow," I said sternly leaning across John to make a face and throw a stale cracker at him. "As Lady Grantham would say, 'put that in your pipe and smoke it'." I smiled and sat back against my chair, taking my fair share of the pancakes and biscuits and stale crackers that were breakfast.

John laughed along with the others and I proudly ate my food while Thomas sulked at the end of the table. Mrs. Hughes had just finished her breakfast when the bell for Lady Mary rung, "I'll go." She exclaimed jumping to her feet.

"No way!" I objected and managed to get myself standing with only a slight assistance from John.

"Shall I have to race you there then?" Mrs. Hughes asked with an arched eyebrow.

"That's just not fair," I retorted and spun round by her. "I'm pregnant not dead."

"God, help us," John whispered shaking his head since Mrs. Hughes and I went through the same routine every morning.

"Don't you want to say good-bye to your husband? Surely you can't do both not with how fast you move now," Mrs. Hughes added with a sly smile because she knew that would win the argument.

"That was cruel," I said narrowing my eyes at her. "You won this time."

"I win all the time, Anna," Mrs. Hughes smiled and strode away. Petty little playful arguments they were but she did always win. I shook my head and laughed walking over to John.

"Get up," I said tapping his shoulders.

"Lord Grantham hasn't rung yet-"

"Get up!" I whined and he listened.

I motioned for him to follow and we both walked up the stairs to the top of Downton and I found Lord Grantham waiting for the car to be brought round. "I knew he would ring any second now and I just wanted to have more time to say good-bye."

John smiled and I leaned forward wrapping my arms around him, he held me tight in his arms and I inhaled his scent. Safety, love, happiness, that's all it was to me and I felt at home in his arms. I lay my face against his chest because he was so much taller than me and we both just stood there until the car was brought round.

"Time to go Bates," Lord Grantham called over his shoulder as he ducked in to the car. "I promise to bring him back safely Anna."

"Thank you, my lord," I nodded at him and then kissed John very quickly. "I love you."

"I love you, good bye my darling," John waved and ducked in to the car and I waved them off, watching until the car disappeared from view. _Guess I best find some work to do now._

I hurried up to Lady Mary's room and she was already dressed. "Anna!" She exclaimed. "Why don't you listen to anybody? You must rest, I did not listen and had George early. Come on Anna, rest here. Get in," Lady Mary instructed pulling back her bed covers. "I'm serious." She ordered.

"I couldn't," I informed with the shake of my head. "I could never, my lady."

"But its an order, or a demand, or oh just do it or your fired how about that?" Lady Mary suggested.

"Well s'pose I best not lose my job before I have my baby," I concluded climbing in to her bed. "Thank you, my lady."

"You're welcome and you might take to calling me Mary, we are friends aren't we Anna?" Lady Mary asked.

"Are you sure, my- Mary- I just- I'm a servant and you-"

"I am what? A girl who needed this servant's help when she had premarital sex and had a dead body in her bed, who helped me drag the body across Downton? You did, Anna. Who helped me when I went in to labor early and was taken to the hospital? You, Anna. When I thought Matthew was going to die in war you were there for me. When Matthew died, you were at my side always. When Lord Gillingham's valet- I was here for you. We have never just been master and servant, we are friends, Anna," Lady Mary said taking my hands in hers. "You remind me everyday of my late sister Sybil and your goodness makes everyone a better person in this estate."

"Lady- Mary, the dead body was nothing truly," I teased with laughter.

"Oh really, do you get those midnight calls a lot?" Lady Mary asked me with a smile.

"I'm very popular in that category," I said and we both laughed.

Lady Mary leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me, hugging me. "Anna, you are my best friend. I trust you more than I trust mother or aunt Rosamond or hell, grandmother-" Lady Mary laughed at that. "Can you imagine if they knew half of what I confide in you?"

"Thank you," I smiled. "You are a good friend Mary. You are a good person truly."

"See? You see the best in people," Lady Mary complimented me. "Now just rest and try not to get in to trouble." She kissed my forehead and left.

"Why does everyone suppose I will find trouble?" I asked with a sly smile.

"Because as good of a person you are, you are also sneaky."


	11. Chapter 11

Anna's POV*

The last couple of hours were a blur as I lay in the car, head in Lady Mary's lap; both of us crying. Her more so than me as she furiously stroked my hair, begging me, "Please don't die, Anna, please I can't lose you too! Please Anna!" She screamed at me through the tears. "PLEASE ANNA!"

I coughed harder now and red splatters of blood appeared on my hand. "My baby," I sobbed or perhaps it sounded more like a moan. "My baby..."

"I don't care about your baby!" Lady Mary screamed. "I care about you, Anna! I need you! You can have more children no one can make another you! I need you to live but if not for me then for Bates! Think about him!"

_John. _Memories blurred together as they flowed through my head, but I was so tired, oh so tired. I closed my eyes and felt the pull, this inner darkness where the whispers told of a painless world where everything was okay.

_Come to us, _they whispered, _come on a little closer, yes, yes that's it, closer. _

"No!" Lady Mary slapped my face and I howled in pain, my eyes flying open.

_NO! _the whispers said disappearing.

"You don't get to give up, Anna!" Lady Mary yelled at me sternly. Her tear stained face a tragic painting of beauty and despair. "Driver drive _faster!_"

"What's going on, my lady?" I asked rolling my head to the side, seeing her arms holding my head. "Where am I?"

"Anna, what did I say about calling me Mary?" Lady Mary struggled to change the subject from the impending doom surrounding us.

"Who's dying?" I asked her. "I hear them, the voices," I closed my eyes and there they were and I smiled happily.

"Hear what, Anna?" Lady Mary asked but I did not respond. "Anna?!" she shook my shoulders. "ANNA!" Harder.

"What m'lady?" I asked lazily opening an eye. "They just want to play, they just want to take away…the pain."

"Anna you are not allowed to go with them! Do you _understand me?" _Lady Mary ordered.

"Oh, Lady Mary if you only heard their sweet whispers, its so beautiful really, so nice, so peaceful," I closed my eyes and felt the voices wrapping around me, the pain was disappearing and I smiled relaxing, embracing death. _Death. This was _death. _No! I can't die! I'm not ready! NO! JOHN! MY baby! NO! NO! NO! I can't die! People need me! My baby needs me! John needs me! Lady Mary needs me! Please God no, please God no! Please, please, please! Death. _

"I pray father's reached Bates," I heard Lady Mary cluck nervously. "Oh, dearest Anna, please don't die."

I felt her and as the blackness of Death threatened to steal me I fought to feel, because feeling was living. So I felt the air be ripped from my lungs, and the way my body convulsed against the car and Lady Mary's sharp bony knees. Each blow hurting more than the last. I felt every pounding hammer slamming around in my skull and every piece of me seemingly forcing it self to explode and the way my hands clawed at my mouth trying to pry my lips open to breath. I felt it all but I felt alive. I was alive as long as I was suffering.

"Oh God!" Lady Mary screamed. "She's bleeding! Bleeding everywhere! Oh gid! OH bloody son of God!" She screamed and the car stopped people were running our way.

"What's happened to her?" Dr. Clarkson demanded.

"I- I- I-" Lady Mary stammered.

"Life and death are balancing on your answer!" He reminded her and I felt myself shift hands.

"She was- oh yes, she was cleaning when Mrs. Hughes came in to dust and Mrs. Hughes dropped the duster. Anna reached to catch it and then screamed out as she collapsed to the floor with this terrible shaking seizure like thing! I held her steady and then she screamed and sobbed and I carried her out running to the car- or more Carson carried. She was coughing up blood and her hands clutched at her abdomen as she screamed- 'the pain, my baby's dying- the pain- stop stabbing me!' and I told her no one was and she didn't understand. Then she shook some more and coughed up more blood and cried in pain- this is just massive bleeding now. It just started in the car a moment ago. She's confused and I don't know what to do!" Lady Mary sobbed.

"I have no bother either but I assume cesarean section to be the best way to deliver this baby and repair whatever damage has happened," Dr. Clarkson said and I felt a freezing cold table touch my back.

"AH!" I screamed in reflex.

"Shall I fetch the medicine for-"

"No time for pain medication- she'll die!" and then I felt the knife. I screamed bloody murder as Lady Mary was forced against her will to leave me and several men held me down as I fought against the knife tearing apart my flesh. Then blackness…deep, darkness…..peaceful…painless…nice…quiet….


	12. Chapter 12

Bates's POV*

There he was, that slimeball. _Mr. Green. _I will kill him, I reminded myself. He will die today at my feet, but how? On these crowded platforms in London anything suspicious would be noted by a million and one pedestrians. Could I take that risk? No, I couldn't. But then why did I bother coming out to London in the first place? What was all this effort for if I would back down in the end and let the evil bastard walk away winning and scratch free? No I would kill him, this I was certain of.

I started towards Mr. Green and shoved past people as a plan formed in my mind. _Trip him, into the street and sit back and relax as he is run over by many an automobile. _Great plan, but was I ready to really be a killer. Sure I had been accused of many a felony but neither had I really committed and this, this would be a real crime that I would really be guilty of. _I don't care the son of a bitch deserves to die and so I hang! Anna is safe and sure she'll hate me- she'll perhaps despise me but- _how could I live knowing Anna hated me? Despised me?

_Be reasonable, _I chastised myself. _She will never- could never hate you. So I hope. But Anna doesn't have to find out, it would be too much for her delicate mind right now anyway and I don't want to stir up trouble with her now. I can do this seamlessly and destroy any and all evidence, can't I? I _can.

I was walking next to Mr. Green now and an automobile was whizzling around the corner. _Now or never. _I reminded myself and closed my eyes. "Mr. Green," I spoke up in a dangerous, you better run, fuck you motherfucking bastard tone.

Mr. Green looked over his shoulder and his eyes grew wide in to huge round circles as I lurched forward pretending to trip and swiped my cane under his feet. I fell to my knees and saw between the pedestrian feet how he crumpled in to the street. _Crunch! _There was a deafening crack and break as bone hit metal and bone lost. I recovered and walked on with the crowd and saw him lying in a heap on the road like road kill. Well, not like road kill he was road kill.

"Did you see that, Mum?" a little boy said behind me.

"What is it now, Robert?" the tired woman who must have been his mother asked.

"That man fell in to the street- look!" I sighed as he said this, the little boy, Robert had seen nothing. If a child had missed it then no one had seen it. Children are the most observant creatures and I smiled happily as I walked away. _Honor restored, justice served, peace granted to the round, Earth. _

I hurried now to catch the next train back to Yorkshire and perhaps stop and buy Anna a present on the way back. She would like that, I could picture her face brightening, lighting up with glee as she saw what I brought for her. Flowers? Candy? No, a necklace, yes pearls. I had been saving up to buy her a decent wedding ring no matter how many times she insisted she did not need a better one than what she had already I could just picture how happy it would make her.

I raced to the station and there was Lord Grantham, suppose he found out what you were up to, what now John? I asked myself. Don't be paranoid. You're just being paranoid. I lifted my hat and nodded at him. His face seemed flushed and he held his hat to his chest with earnest, wrinkles of worry and deep concern spread across his forehead like tiny mountains.

"My lord," I greeted him with a smile.

"Bates," Lord Grantham's voice was scary, it sent chills down my spine. Something was wrong. _Anna. _My face must have given me away and he nodded and ushered me on to the train. "Its Anna, she's-" he shook his head and rubbed his face with his hands. "Bates she's dead."

It was now I suddenly noticed the tear stains on his cheeks and the way his eyes looked like they had just seen hell. He had an aura that reeked of death.

"No," I said and felt myself crumble to pieces. _A life for a life. You took that evil bastard's life and now the life of the purest, nicest, most beautiful woman has been taken from you in return. _"What have I done?"

"Bates, I'm so sorry." Lord Grantham stroked my arm.

"Anna is dead."


	13. Chapter 13

Anna's POV*

"Hi baby," I cooed rocking the tiny bundle of flesh and blood in my arms. "So beautiful," I whispered and kissed my baby's forehead. "Momma loves you, so so much."

"Anna?" Lady Mary asked lightly knocking on the door before coming in where I was laying on the hospital bed, weak but pulling through.

"Yes, my lady?" I asked not taking my eyes off of my baby.

"How are you feeling?" Lady Mary asked gently coming to sit down on the edge of my bed.

"Well I can't give an honest answer because here- right now, with my baby in my arms I am the happiest girl in the world," I told her as my baby yawned and stretched in my arms.

"Have you decided on a name?" Lady Mary asked me.

"Yes, but I want John to be here with me when I announce it," I informed her. "A surprise of sorts."

"You are full of surprises," Lady Mary concurred. "I was very weak after I gave birth to George and you went to hell and back- I am so surprised with your ability to be sitting up and talking and holdin-"

"I am, too-" I felt my arms go numb then suddenly I wasn't sure they were there. "Take the baby."

"What?"

"Please Mary I can't feel my arms- I don't want to hurt-" blackness.

Bates's POV*

Tears streamed down my face as I walked in to the hospital. Dr. Clarkson sat with Lady Mary, heads hanging low like a dog that had just been scathed. I walked by them and the shame reached new levels for them. They're pain tripled in essence. I could not meet their stares. "Right this way, Mr. Bates," Dr. Clarkson said and Lord Grantham gave my back a parting pat.

I followed Dr. Clarkson and he led me through a door and there was Anna, still, so still you might have thought her to be sleeping, but she was not sleeping. She was _dead. _"Oh, Anna!" I screamed and fell at her side. There was an IV drip connected to her arm and a slight lift to her chest. "She's breathing?"

"Yes, but I don't think she'll last much longer," Dr. Clarkson was saying.

"What happened?" I asked gripping Anna's hand. "Darling, darling I'm here please don't leave me, please Anna, please live for me." I could feel her pulse beneath my fingertips, faint but still there.

"The placenta became detached from the womb and that caused massive bleeding," Dr. Clarkson announced sadly. "The baby is perfectly healthy and in the nursery-"

"Tell me about _Anna_," I demanded. "Love, I'm here." I reassured her again.

"Anna could make it through this," Dr. Clarkson informed me. "But I highly doubt it. She would need a massive blood transfusion but I don't believe we should do that and disrupt her- hardly anything will change."

"You will and you must! If you can save her its in your line of duty to try! Now GO!" I screamed and he ran off to get the blood.

"Oh my love, did you know?" I asked her. "Did you know this morning that we would not meet again? Is that why you lamented your love to me then because you knew? Oh darling I would still marry you now, I have no regrets and I never will. No man can regret loving as I have loved you. So please don't give up on me, don't give up on us, our baby needs you, what will our child do without a mother? If you cannot fight to hold on for me do it for our baby!" I felt a stronger pulse and I gasped. "Anna? You can hear me can't you? Oh Anna I love you so much, darling. I will never stop loving you, I could never stop loving you, never. You have been at my side for everything and so I will remain at yours. One kiss, to take with you," I said and gently kissed her lips and I felt her pulse quick and sharp and strong. "I love you."

Dr. Clarkson was back and he had nurses with him they hooked wires and tubes in to Anna and told me this might take hours. Dr. Clarkson suggested I go visit the nursery and see our child but how could I leave Anna when she could slip away at any moment? I couldn't do it. Not ever. I peeked my head out the door and saw Lady Mary pacing the room. I waved her over and she seemed confused.

"You seem rather- chipper-"

"Anna's not dead yet," I told her. "And she won't be not if I have anything to do with it."

"Bates you must prepare-"

"I will face it when it happens and not before," I said quoting my dearest darling, Anna. "Please see if you can fetch our child from the nursery, I know that will make Anna fight harder."

"Bates what-"

"_Please, _she would want to be with her baby if she-" I caught my voice and Lady Mary nodded running off.

I heard coughing on the table and turned to see Anna sputtering and coming to her senses. She was weak and aside from the coughing convulsions did not move much at all. "John," my name was a whisper on her lips. A faint plea.

"Yes, my love," I ran to her side and stroked her face with my hands. I squeezed her other hand in my free hand, tightly clinging to her and trying to keep her from crossing over if I just held tight enough.

"Ow," Anna's voice was full of sarcasm as she stretched out the one syllable word in to two syllables.

"Oh, Anna," tears were in my eyes as I released her hand and held her to me. "Please don't leave me."

I felt her hand against my cheek, "Never."

The blood transfusion did take hours several long hours but each hour that passed by brought Anna bacl even more to me. She turned a healthier pink color instead of slate white and she even began to smile near the second hour. I held her through it all and near the end Lady Mary came in.

"I'm sorry I was going to bring her in but you were all focused and I just- she's so adorable and sweetest thing really," Lady Mary nodded rocking the baby in her arms.

"Can I see her?" I asked standing up and Lady Mary nodded, walking over and switching the baby girl to my arms. She was beautiful. I smiled down at her. "Elsie."

"Yes," Anna nodded at Lady Mary. "Elsie Mary Bates."

"What a beautiful name," Lady Mary gasped.

"After two beautiful people who helped me through hardest of things," Anna informed her and the pair exchanged a glance.

"Elsie," I said again rocking the baby in my arms.

"Well, Mr. Bates it looks like Anna owes her life to you," Dr. Clarkson said with a smile.

"Why do you say that?" I asked him.

"Because I was going to allow for natural death, I didn't think she would survive but you gave her the chance and the will to survive." Dr. Clarkson congratulated me and turned to Anna. "You must rest now, or else this will all have been for not. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Dr. Clarkson," Anna nodded innocently.

"Good," he nodded his head and bowed out.

"I swear to God Anna if you don't!" I said running over to her and she laughed stretching out her arms to take Elsie from me. 

"I will, I will," She said between fits of laughter.

"Truly?"

"Truly."


	14. Chapter 14

Anna's POV*

*A couple months later*

"Elsie's up," John mumbled rolling over in the bed still half-asleep.

"Ok." I said not showing any signs up getting up.

"Aren't you going to get her?" John asked waking up now.

"I would but I can't so I shan't." I lied rolling out of bed. "But I will you big lug!" I teased slapping his back playfully. I stretched my arms above my head and smiled. Today was the day I went back to work and I was psyched. I threw off my nightgown and eyed the scars running across my lower abdomen. Right below the hip bones, it was slightly faded now, a pale pink color of what once was. My body had lapsed back to how it once was and that made me smile. I fit snugly in to my normal dark green uniform and started my hair again. Pinning the curls to my head every wave or so and then rolling the rest of my hair in to a bun at the base of my neck. _Perfect._

"Elsie," I called as I rounded the corner and I heard her cries turn to excited squeals. I smiled and popped open the door. She was laying on her stomach and had her head lifted up to greet me. She flashed a smile and I beamed. "There's my big beautiful girl!" I cooed reaching in and picking her up. She babbled some more and played with my hair. I breastfed her quickly and then burped her on the towel thrown over my shoulder. Re-dressing I picked out Elsie's outfit. It had to be grand this would be her premier. All of the servants would be seeing her for the first time and me post-baby.

I changed Elsie's diaper and then bounced her on my hip as I chose her beautiful dress; this one had been a gift from Lady Edith. It was a pale pale sea blue with ruffled sleeves and layer upon layer of the same material to make the skirt. Such a grand and expensive dress for a baby but I knew it would please the ladies of Downton to see Elsie dressed in Lady Edith's gift. I took what hair Elsie did have, so beautiful and dark like her father and pinned it back in to one little wave. She had my eyes, electric and icy blue and my shaped face and her skin was darker like her father's. I looked at her as she batted her eyelashes, long, thick and black up at me.

"You're so beautiful Elsie, so beautiful," I whispered to her. "So beautiful."

I carried her out of the room and in to the kitchen. John was dressed now and smiled at us. "Elsie," John said and his voice changed. Elsie brought out his inner giant fluffy panda bear side that before I was the only one who could see it. He smiled from ear to ear and held out his arms to accept Elsie. I handed her over and straightened my hair up.

"Are you ready?" I asked John as I buttoned the top of my dress.

"Is something wrong?" John asked with concern.

"No?" I asked and looked up at him. "Why would anything be wrong?" I said furrowing my eyebrows together. "John?"

"You just seemed…off," John said with a shrug.

"I'm exhausted," I said with an eye roll. "What do you expect from me?" I shoved past him and in to the yard. I was exhausted and nervous and excited all the same but now annoyed and hungry. "I'm sorry," I apologized looking over my shoulder at him.

"Anna, what can I do?" John asked catching my elbow. Elsie was laying in her stroller now. I laid my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes, crying lightly. "Anna?"

"I'm just so exhausted and tired," I sobbed. "Sometimes its all too much. Being a mother and having to take care of a person beside myself! I am the one responsible for keeping her alive and sometimes I think maybe it would have been easier to just grow old together," I whispered falling asleep against John's chest.

He rubbed my back and held me there for a moment and then said, "Anna remember that you're going to see everyone today. I know you have been here alone for the better part of these four months and its hard, Elsie is a big responsibility but are you telling me you don't love her? Don't love the job, because I don't believe you can honestly tell me that. I know its hard and your exhausted and I promise on my half day I'll take Elsie and you can sleep all day."

"Sleep, oh sleep," I smiled happily. "Oh, Elsie where would I be without?" I said with a smile leaning over the stroller and kissing her forehead. "Mommy loves you." I placed my hands on the handle of the stroller and began pushing it as we started our walk to Downton Abbey. I felt John's hand around my shoulder and turned my head to kiss him. "I love you, John."

"As I love you," John smiled and we walked on.

I saw Downton Abbey over the hill and started running, leaving the stroller behind with John. I was laughing and crying and smiling all at once as I screamed with joy, announcing my arrival. I threw my hands in the air and ran faster and faster towards the house, my home. I threw open the door to the servants' hall and there was everyone and a few new folks that must have been who John had told me about. Mrs. Hughes stood at the front of the pack and I ran and threw my arms around her. "Oh, mrs. Hughes!" I exclaimed with glee.

"Anna!" Mrs. Hughes cheered pulling away and hugging me again.

"Welcome back," Thomas said in his arrogant voice. "You little sprite."

"Aw, Thomas, I think I might have even been so desperate for company as to miss you, too," I said and hugged him just because it would bother him. Shortly after releasing him he fled the room and I laughed.

"Welcome back, Anna, I hope you have been getting on nicely," Mr. Carson said with a nod of the head and I smiled at him.

"I have very much indeed Mr. Carson," I said with a nod. "Thank you."

He then left the room and rang the gong, no one moved. I turned over my shoulder and heard the door open and a little squeal. _Elsie. _"Oh will you finally tell us the name now, I have begged Lady Mary to tell us but she wouldn't budge and neither would Mr. Bates so please tell us this cutie's name!" Mrs. Hughes was bursting with joy as I picked up Elsie and brought her over to everyone.

"Oh, well isn't she just the most lovely thing?" Daisy asked from the corner where her and Mrs. Patamore were positioned.

"I'd say so," Mrs. Patmore agreed and I beamed. "So what's her name, Anna, why so tight lipped?"

I laughed and John went and placed the stroller outside when he returned I glanced at everyone and rested my eyes on Mrs. Hughes. "Her name is…" I took a pause and kissed my baby's forehead. "Elsie."

Mrs. Hughes's hands flew to her mouth and I smiled wider knowing she knew that I had named her after her. "Elsie Mary Bates." I finished.

"Elsie?" Daisy asked confused as a bug, the poor soul. _Bless you Daisy, _I thought with a wry smile.

"Yes," I said sitting Elsie up in my arms so she could see everybody and everybody could see her.

"Can I hold her?" Mrs. Hughes asked stepping forward and I nodded, and when I went to give Elsie over there was this cling. This internal need to protect my child and keep her safe in my arms, it was never there when I handed her over to John. I did that as if it was the most natural thing but now suddenly faint as it was it was still present. I handed Elsie over and smiled at Daisy.

"I named my daughter after the most important women in my life," I snuck a glance at Mrs. Hughes. "Without them I don't know who I'd be or where even so I am very thankful."

"Say,'hi', yes there you go, 'hi everybody'," Mrs. Hughes held Elsie's arm in her hand and was making her wave at everyone as they waltzed around the room.

The servants who were sitting suddenly jolted to their feet and I glanced up to see why. _Mary. _I screamed internally. Lady Edith, Lady Cora, Branson and Lady Grantham were all behind her.

"Oh, Anna," was all Lady Mary said with a sigh and a smile. She walked over and wrapped her arms around me. "Do you know how long it has been since I have had a decent gossip? These new maids are all closed up, so uptight and afraid of me, not like you- I have missed you friend. Now where's the little Elsie bug?" Lady Mary kissed my forehead and rubbed her palms together searching through the crowd for the baby.

"I'm glad to see you are healing alright, Anna," Lady Cora said with her always half-smile.

"Oh look Mary! She's wearing the dress I gave her!" Lady Edith jumped forward, having found Elsie in Mrs. Hughes before Mary and scooped her up, stealing her away from her sister's reach. "Such a beautiful baby aren't you?"

"That's just not fair, Edith!" Lady Mary protested. "Well I suppose I can let her have her turn first- I'm sure Master George will be excited to have someone to play with. He is quite easily bored with Sybi's games and toys but if Elsie is anything like her two parents I do believe she'll have that will for adventure he's looking for."

"I quite agree," I said leaning my head against John's shoudlers.

"Are we all going to stand around and admire the gorgeous child all day or get to work- oh my ladyships," Carson stopped himself and half bowed.

"We were just leaving Carson, sorry to disrupt your breakfast we just wanted to welcome Anna back after she gave us _quite _the scare," Lady Cora said and nodded out. Lady Grantham followed and Lady Edith handed off Elsie to Lady Mary who stayed put.

"Isn't Mrs. Hughes name Elsie?" Lady Grantham asked and Lady Cora laughed.

"I think that's quite the point, Grandmum," Lady Edith informed them and Lady Grantham nodded with a simple "oh" as they returned up the stairs to the main lobby of Downton.

"Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes," Daisy said as if it was just clicking in her mind.

"Well, come on Daisy we best go get breakfast ready or the whole day will be behind," Mrs. Patmore added pulling Daisy away.

"I suppose we should go," Lady Mary said bouncing Elsie in her arms.

I sighed. "This will be the first time we have been apart," I said hugging Elsie to my chest.

"Just for the work day," Lady Mary laughed. "Anna, you make it sound as if I am kidnapping her from you."

"No, no, of course, she must go, please make sure she is well taken care of, I don't want-"

"While Elsie is in Nanny's care she is Lady Cora's niece's daughter or something and another- either way she will be treated like Sybi and Master George." Lady Mary informed me. "I promise."

"Thank you," I whispered hugging Lady Mary quickly. "Thank you, Mary." I added and pulled away. "Have fun Elsie." I waved as Lady Mary turned and walked away.

"Shh, shh, shh," Lady Mary cooed as she bounced Elsie trying to distract her from the fact that her mother was not coming with her.

"Can I ring the gong now?" Carson asked dryly.

"If it will make you happy, I s'pose you might explode if you don't," Mrs. Hughes sassed.

The gong was rung and I held tight to John afraid I might fall over if I let go. I suddenly realized how attached and how much I needed Elsie, but how _relieving _it was to know Elsie would be well taken care of and I not be the caretaker. I sat down and John next to me. Daisy carried out the platters, it wasn't soup and I was surprised.

"What is the feast for?" I asked.

"Well for you, who else would it bloody be for?" Mrs. Patmore stated exasperated, hands on hips.

"Really?" I asked not sure I believed her. Mrs. Patmore nodded. "You didn't hint at any of this," I said sternly to John.

Bates shrugged. "They swore me to secrecy," he said.

"I feel quite well missed," I said with a smile. "Is this about my four month break or the fact that I almost died? The fact that I was dead." The moment I said dead everyone was hushed. Mrs. Hughes stared at her plate playing with her food and Carson cleared his throat. "I don't understand-" I eyed John.

"Anna," Mrs. Hughes said. "Lady Rose died while you were away, on a train taking her to meet her parents in London. It crashed- no survivors." Silence.

"You didn't tell me-?" I said staring in betrayal at John. Tears welled in my eyes. "My god, she was barely eighteen," I shook my head and wiped at my eyes.

"So when you returned to Downton everyone was ready to celebrate for a change," Mrs. Hughes finished.

"No one told me," I gasped again feeling the sobs coming. Innocent little Rose who just wanted to push the boundaries, find her limits. Always full of surprises and just trying to make an adventure out of her life. A tear slipped down my cheek as I heard Bates talking to me.

"Dr. Clarkson said you were still too fragile, barely alive, I couldn't risk-"

I shook my head and left the table. Tears pouring down my face. I found an empty room and closed the door wrapping my arms around my knees and crying over the loss of- a friend? a boss? a lady? a wonderful person? a child?- the loss of Rose. Mrs. Hughes found me and sat down beside me. "T'was like losing Sybil all over again. Another soul taken far before their years."

"She was a- she was a CHILD!" I sobbed covering my face with my hands. "She was just trying to make her life in to some grand adventure…"

"I know," Mrs. Hughes said rubbing my shoulders. "I know."

"Lady Rose," I whispered her name like a ghost. "Perhaps she is telling Sybil about Sybi, how beautiful and grand she is. Maybe they've found Matthew and are talking about George and Mary too. Oh what will Sybil think about Tom? What will they all think?" I asked. "Oh Lady Rose."

"Perhaps they will be so glad to hear about their loves and I know Sybil will be ecstatic to learn you had a daughter and she'll be distraught about what you had to go through. I'm sure they will be pleased to know Green's dead and burning."

"What?" I asked. "What did you say?"

"Green is dead?"

"Green is _dead_."

"He died the day you were in the hospital," Mrs. Hughes said. "Months ago, fell in to the street and was run over."

"And people saw this?" I asked.

"It wasn't Mr. Bates if that's what you are asking," Mrs. Hughes reassured me. "Now Lady Mary's rung for you, suppose you best get a move on."


End file.
